A Word Of Advice: Anti-Marriage Policy

Hello Kally,

How are you doing? Must say I don’t read your blog often but whenever I do, I always find your opinions interesting and positive. I love that you bring sunshine into others’ lives and me sincerely you (or maybe your readers) can share some of that sunshine into mine as well.

I love my job. I am married to my job.

In my position in the company, I am the only female that holds executive power. It took me a long time and a lot of personal sacrifices to get where I am. Forgo family holidays, missed birthdays and I even had to miss my sister’s wedding because I was managing a crisis for my company.

I remembered that years ago when I was interviewed, I was asked if I am ever going to be married and I told them firmly no.

Along the years, there were times where my mentor and my boss will drop hints that marriage will be a hindrance if you want to grow your career in this company. So I had plenty of short-term relationships and they usually lasted until we both know it goes nowhere unless I commit to the relationship.

All these are fine until I met someone I want to settle down with for the rest of my life. I’m hitting my 40s next year and this may be my last chance at motherhood. My partner is a wonderful and gracious person who is successful in his own business and made a name for himself in the industry.

While my partner has been extremely understanding and forgiving towards my work, I want to play my part contributing time and effort in the relationship as well. With the crazy hours and massive travelling in my job, not to mention that my boss frown upon marriage or pregnancy, I’m not sure what to do.

I love my job and I’ve worked very hard at it to be where I am right now. I am not sure if I want to give it all up either. Should I have a chat with my boss? Or quit my job? Or even hope to juggle both my career and my marriage? Should I even keep my marriage a secret?

All these questions are making me confused and put me in a turmoil that starting to affect both my work performance and my relationship quality.

Please help, Kally.

Thank you.

With regards,
Regina R.

Dear Regina,

Thank you for sharing your problems with us. I’m sure that there are plenty of women out there who are in a similar career situation as yourself.

Yes, I would say talk to your boss but you need to be prepared first. Line up a list of potential jobs and even start networking actively within your industry. If you are as good as you said you are, it will only be a matter of time when your boss will approach you instead of you initiating the talk.

Next, be prepared to walk away from your job if negotiations fail. Companies fail to see that they do not have dictation over your personal life. Whether you get married or have a dozen babies, it is none of their business.

However, if your job requires you to put in ridiculous hours and commitment, it may be time for you to consider to scale it back especially you want to sustain a fair balance between your career and your relationship.

It is not impossible to have your cake and eat it too but it takes a lot of patience and effort from all parties and from what you have described in your email, your company may not be willing to give in in order for this arrangement to work.

Another way is for you to take a long sabbatical leave to sort out this new chapter of your life and figure out how your career can fit into the puzzle. When we progress into different stages of our lives, we may want different things and have different goals.

You may find yourself not wanting to give yourself so much in your career or you may have new career directions, who knows? Getting married and stepping into motherhood are both big commitments and life-changers.

If your company truly treasure and recognize your talent, they will find it within the company’s resources to accommodate your needs.

Lastly, a marriage is a wonderful celebration of your union and you shouldn’t have to hide it.

All the best.


For similar advisory posts, you may want to have a peep at these:

A Word Of Advice: I have An Unsympathetic Boss

A Word Of Advice: Juggling Career and Baby


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11 Comments Add yours

  1. Paul says:

    Great advice Kally! I couldn’t agree more. A company is a machine, pure and simple. I worked for a university for thirty-seven years. The day you leave, regardless of how high you were in the administration, you are forgotten. Oh, maybe they’ll put your picture on a wall somewhere, but we all know you are important as long as you are feeding the machine.

    Now, that’s not to say, one shouldn’t become attached to one’s career. I loved my job. But this lady’s situation is quite different. Are her male counterparts married? It’s amazing that they would even ask such a question–well, no it’s not. She has a wage, probably a very solid portfolio, so I think she should go with love. The company doesn’t love anyone. But a husband would love her. A child would love her. Her family loves her. Go with love. 🙂

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Patty says:

    Couldn’t agree more. Indeed, great advice Kally.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Andrea Frazer says:

    I think she’s asking the wrong question. It shouldn’t be what her company thinks or if she should get married. Or have a baby. The question should be “Who am I?” and “What is my purpose in the world?” When she knows the answer she’ll have direction.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Kally says:

      Good advice, Andrea. I think her direction changes as her life matured.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Sarada Gray says:

    I dont know what the laws are there but here in the UK it’s illegal to fire someone for getting married. Maybe check that out?

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Kally says:

      Good advice, Sarada! Thank you for contributing. Welcome to MiddleMe!

      Liked by 1 person

  5. For me the benefits of marriage and family far outweigh the benefits of job and lots of money in the bank.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Kally says:

      Same here but to each his own, I guess. 😊 welcome to MiddleMe, Jon.


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