*As told to Kally from someone who wishes to be anonymous
I wasn’t a nice person when I was much younger. Now in my thirties, I have learned a lot from selfish mistakes I have made in the past. Some mistakes that turned into deep regrets that I can never erase from my ledger.
I used to have a best friend from college. We always hang out together, did everything together like all best friends do. I’ll call her Alyssa (not her real name). Alyssa is the nicest and most trusting person. She’ll never hurt anyone and she cries at movies, even the ones with happy endings. But she is also blessed. How? Her family is rich and mine’s not. Although when we were younger, it was never that obvious in college. She’s never the showy type, never flash her wealth like others. She dressed decently and shop at Walmart like we do.
I think I begin to feel the difference between us when we graduated. She wants to move out and her dad went ahead and bought her a pretty nice 3 bedroom apartment. I was so envious you can feel the envy dripping off my forehead. I wanted to move out too but my folks needed money badly and couldn’t afford to even help me with the rental deposit. Alyssa was nice enough and offered to have me moved in with her, forgoing the first quarter rent.
My jaw dropped when I saw how pretty and spacious the apartment was, especially the extent of her built in wardrobe, full of tailored suits and branded dresses. She was happy that I borrow anything off her rack as long as I paid for dry cleaning after wearing the item.
But I wasn’t really jealous of that, to be honest. Materialistic stuff didn’t mean much to me. But the green-eyed monster got me and ate me alive when I found out that she had easily breezed through a tough interview for one of top Fortune 500 companies I wanted to join. I sent in my resume twice to the same company she applied for and didn’t hear back from them. She applied for the same position and was offered a much higher role instead.
Life is so unfair!
So for the first year, I slogged my way at a local company for a miserable pay with an equally miserable boss. I don’t even have a desk and a chair to call my own while Alyssa has her own office! Complete with a gorgeous view and leather armchair and imported office desk. Her name in brass on the door!
I absolutely hate it when she invited me to her office parties. As if I care for it. But I can never invite her to any of my office parties because our boss doesn’t believe in one. Her office parties will be filled up with who’s who and rub shoulders with the rich and famous.
Of course, Alyssa’s career just skyrocket within the first year she is in the company and by her second year, she is already turning down her competitors’ offer to jump ship.
Overloaded with jealousy, I did something unthinkable.
I began to spread malicious rumours about her considering to join the competition even though I am fully aware that she does not have the intention. It’s easy to drop poison to anyone who has open ears and since I met some of her colleagues at those office parties, they are lapping up the rumours.
Yes, I hate myself. I’m loaded with evilness. I hate myself, even more when she was fired because of those rumours, let go by the company as she is in a highly sensitive position and worst of all, she found out I was behind the rumours. Our friendship is ruined. Alyssa was still kind enough to let me stay at her home for a month until I found my own place.
I felt really guilty for hurting her. I didn’t understand the extent of our friendship really meant to her. She became depressed and moved back to her family home. Her parents refused to allow me to have any contact with her, block my phone calls and threatened with lawsuits if I continue to reach out to her. I just want to apologise. But by not giving me the chance to say I’m sorry, she and I don’t have the closure both of us need.
More than 10 years have passed since the incident, I know she hasn’t forgiven me for the childish mistake I made. Through mutual friends from the same social circle, I have heard she is doing very well for herself in her career and she is recently happily pregnant with her third child. But whenever I passed a message along to request for a meetup, I always faced with rejections.
I do hope maybe by opening up here, she can read this and know that I am truly repented and sorry for what I did to her. And if she is willing to give me a chance to meet face to face, I want to apologize and ask for her forgiveness.
Got a secret to tell? Need to get something off your chest? Write to me at Kally@MiddleMe.net and I will feature your story anonymously in MiddleMe.