*As told to Kally from someone who wishes to be anonymous
I know I need help. I have problems controlling my anger. I tried very hard, I did. But little things trigger me off so easily.
My anger is selective too. I have no issue when I’m with my friends. Neither do I blow up at home with my family. Maybe because I’m hardly at home. When I am at home, my wife is working on shifts, sometimes pulling double shifts because she works in the Emergency Department at a public hospital.
It is when I am at work; my anger is almost uncontrollable. I worked in a small trading firm with 30 staff reporting under me. My boss is often absent at work, leaving another partner running the place and me. The partner doesn’t give a hoot about employees or benefits. He is selfish like that. The burden is on me to make sure we are profitable every month and pay everyone’s salary on time.
I have no time for fools, laziness or office politics. I will lashes out at the slightest mistake. I will kick chairs, throw files and slam doors. I will scream with profanity until I break someone down. I lost count on how many coworkers have cried because of me. Some have left because of me. I never felt bad about it. To me, if you can survive me, you can survive anything. I expect perfection when it comes to working. If you cannot be your best at work, don’t come in at all. That’s kind of like my motto.
Last year, I almost assaulted another coworker. Still, luckily, I was stopped by other coworkers, and the incident died down during the lockdown period when everyone had to work from home. I think everyone was glad that they are away from the office, mainly me.
I did use this time to do some reflection and signed up for some online anger management classes. To be honest, the lessons did nothing for me. I wasn’t angry when I’m relaxed and at home. Even when I confided with my wife and my best buddy, they were surprised. They didn’t think I had it in me to shout at anyone, let alone get into fights or throw chairs across the meeting room.
I am aware that I have made the office a terrible place to work in. I am probably the abusive boss that nobody likes and everyone fears. I’m not sure how I feel about that. Nope, I don’t feel guilty at all. I think my staff are inadequate and that I’m pissed off to be working with them. Whenever my thoughts cross to work, I can feel my pressure rising to a boil.
Before anyone starts calling the police on me, I fully acknowledge I have a problem here. My office just announced that they would reopen the office for everyone to come back to work again next week. This time, I won’t be going back. Instead, I am going to an anger management camp and starting regular therapy session with a psychiatrist.
By writing to you all here in MiddleMe, I’m putting my intentions into words so I can push myself forward to solidify my words into actions. I know the journey will not be easy, but I know it’s mine to conquer.
Wish me luck!