I am living a double life.

To my coworkers, I’m a happy-go-lucky, cheerful and loud girl who is always beaming with positivity and generosity. I’m always in all of the office gatherings. Friday drinking sessions, I’m the first one there! Annual beer fest, I’m there every year for the past 10 years! Christmas parties, I helped organize 4 out of 10 of them! Volunteer events, I’m always the last few to leave the event.

To my bosses, I’m a warm loving girl who grew up in a large family and recently engaged with someone handsome. I’m organized, helpful and according to my last year appraisal, I show leadership qualities and management potential (whatever that means, huh).

The other side of me…

When I’m not at work, you wouldn’t recognize me. It is so bad, some of my colleagues walked right past me on Christmas Day at a local mall without even saying hi to me because it has never crossed their minds that the unkempt woman was me.

I don’t have any friends. I don’t even talk to my neighbours. I doubt they know I exist except for the lights under my door. I lived in a really bad neighbourhood where if you want to live, you better keep a low profile. I don’t want to move away because it suits me.

Nobody asks questions or try to be friendly in my neighbourhood.

My mobile phone is only for people at work to reach me and for me to surf the internet.

My Facebook friends? All from work.

My family? I have none.

My father walked out when my mother was pregnant with me. My mother gave me to my grandma when I was four and never returned. I was given to different foster families when my grandmother passed away at my 9th birthday. I never keep in touch with any of my foster families. Even when I was in school, I learned that if you keep quiet and listen, you learn more and then you make that knowledge work for you.

That’s how I managed to survive through schools and got myself a degree. My first job is with this company and they have kinda become my only family. Nobody even comes close to suspect that I’m living alone in a bad neighbourhood or I had a bad childhood or I have nowhere else to go during the holiday season or that I had invented an imaginary boyfriend so that coworkers can stop hooking me up with their brothers or cousins.

Oh, don’t you pity me.

I choose to be isolated and alone. I quite enjoy the silence, not having to entertain anyone or be sensitive to what I say or do. I don’t even have to shower for days or get off the couch if I don’t want to.

My boss may think I am off to Hawaii for Christmas to visit my family because they migrate there when I am actually at home in my pyjamas, binge-watching Korea drama series.

My teammate thought I’ll be cuddling with my beau in Paris to countdown for the New Year when I am actually drunk at home with store bought wine and a half-eaten pizza. Alone, of course.

My colleagues think that whenever I take time off work, I travel to some exotic locations to “see the world”. The only exotic places I travel is through Netflix in front of my couch.

It helps that I don’t really update my social media with personal photos and I always politely declined to share any of my so-called vacation photos at work. People at work thought I’m protective of my privacy – they just don’t know that I have nothing to show for. I think they are secretly appreciating that I don’t shove travel stories down their throat at work.

I know I will continue living this double life. I don’t know how to merge the two extremes together.

Maybe someday someone at work will call out that I am a fake.

When it comes to that, I’ll just deal with it or move on to another job, I guess.

Other interesting Whisper Stories that you might find interesting:

Whisper: I haven’t been getting my salary for a year

Whisper: The Thing that Destroy My Social Life and Almost Kill my Career

Whisper: I’m In Love With My Student


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9 replies on “Whisper: I’m Pretending To Be Who I Am

  1. I can relate to you in a way. I went to a lousy school when I was young and my old neighborhood was shady. I definitely agree with keeping a low profile at work. Even though I really married a great guy and had some of the best vacations, I kept it to myself and to my anonymous blog. Although I’m nice most of the time, work is a battlefield. Not there to make real friends. The best way to know a friend is when you are in trouble and the person stood by you. A friend is not just there to party all the time.

    Also, most people in the United States are fake anyway. They had no choice because showing real emotions might get one killed. Guns are easily accessible and it is super easy to offend potential psychopaths. There are people asking questions such as why are Asians smiley all the time? Well, we believe in karma. What goes around, comes around. I had a mean colleague. She had a miscarriage after she did something vicious. Many Caucasians are also unaware of black magic. So, Asians are not all prim and proper too.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I think the question should be one of whether you’re happy with that other side of your life.. I think some people can seemingly have it all – that beau they take Insta pics with as they grin at the camera, a family they spend Christmas with, friends they hang out with – and yet still be, deep down, painfully miserable and still feel alone. I don’t have any friends. My friends are online. I guess it’s a bit of a double life, but mostly my ‘fake’ facade is saying I’m all good, everything’s fine, when it’s not. That said, I’ve grown a lot through being by myself, though I am very grateful that I do have my parents. Even at 30, I’m still learning. I’ve grown stronger, more secure in myself, I like my own company and the quiet and such like you do too (good job really!) As you say, the extremes. I think everyone has something they hide, whether a part of their life that’s not as it seems, or a part of themselves that they pretend doesn’t exist. You’ve written this so well, so openly, Kally.
    Caz xxxx

    Liked by 2 people

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