Hello Kally,
I have a problem which has vexed me for a long time. I have a best friend, Devi and she and I have been best friends since college. We have lost touch with each other ever since we entered the workforce. Just end of last year, she joined my company and was placed under my care.
I am in the Human Resources department and in charge of recruiting and she is reporting under one of my manager as a recruiter. At first, I was delighted that she and I could carry on our friendship from where we left off but as times goes by, she became a nuisance instead of a help. She’ll overrides her manager and approach me when she has a problem regarding her work. If I turned her away and refer her back to her own superior, she’ll be angry and refused to speak to me for days. I tried many times to talk to her about this, trying to draw a clear line between our friendship and work but she will refuse to listen and instead always change the subject.
It got worse this year when she’ll use our friendship to gain popularity among her peers. Last week, her manager gave her a poor appraisal listing out her many mistakes including her carelessness and her bad quality of work. The manager suggested to me that Devi should be let go in order not to pull the department’s performance down.
Yesterday, Devi stormed into my office and demanded that I do something about her poor appraisal and tried to dangle our friendship, implying that I care more about making money than our many years of friendship. I had enough and shouted at her, a stormy screaming match ensued. Now she is threatening to go to my boss to complain about me and how I lost my temper. I did apologized but she wants me to change the appraisal so she can get a pay raise next year.
What do I do? I don’t want to lose my job because of her.
Please help.
Sincere Regards,
Penny P.
Dear Penny,
Oh dear, your so-called friend is using emotional blackmail against you and bullying you to submit to her request. You should have nipped the problem in the bud when she showed her temper whenever you tried to discuss about drawing boundaries with regards to work.
I don’t think your job is on the line here since you have been in the company for years and your good performance and results speaks for itself but you do need to sit down with your boss and let him or her know what is happening. As this is pretty sensitive, I suggest letting your boss step in and have a serious talk with her, with you in the same room. If need be, have her transfer out of your team or your department. It wouldn’t be fair to override your manager’s decision to let her go especially if there are enough evidence that Devi is not performing. If the final decision is to let her stay on, she needs a warning letter at the very least.
Meanwhile, you need to think hard and long whether to keep up this manipulating friendship. People do change with time and the Devi you used to know and love, might not be the same person anymore. Please don’t let her bully you anymore. It is not fair to you and not fair to the rest of your team.
Last but not least, you need to learn to control your temper and I hoped this is just a one off incident because she misuse her friendship and pressed your buttons. Shouting matches in a workplace, no matter under what circumstances should never happen and never tolerate. If things got too much for you, walk away and come back to her when you feel better and ready to talk.
I hope the above advises helped. Best of luck!
Regards,
Kally@MiddleMe.net
MiddleMe 
Kally comes up with another practical solution. Great and hope ur experience gets to the root cause of the problem with ease.
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Thanks, Praveen!!
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That gives a soothing impact from a good friend
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True that. Shouting at work place is never good. You can’t escape that saying that he or she shouted at me first. Even in a situation like this, one should never loose his temper. It’s considered bad professional manners.
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Very true! Penny was seriously very upset in her email to me and I had to edit out some of things she wrote in the email in order not to give away where she works and her identity. Two wrongs doesn’t make a right.
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Friends, it’s like the flowers. Some fade very quickly. Other illuminate our eyes. We all know: to keep the flowers should be watered them, caress them, talk to them, because they are living beings … Knowledge, relatives and friends, it is also grown …
Kally tu es mon amie, bon weekend à toi.
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I do hope my friendship with you is like cactus!! Strong and sturdy as always!!
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Kally, once again you are spot on with your sage advice. Great job! 😊
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Thanks a lot, Kevin! By posting her dilemma, I do hope that anyone who faced the same problem can use the advice as well.
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Note all discourses, calls, and prepare a folder on her. When you are approached by your superiors you have a detailed journal. Detach yourself by advising her that work and business can’t mix with friendship…. Good luck! ER
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Great advice, Elisabet!! I do hope that Penny will heed our advice and move forward from here onwards.
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🍁
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That’s world of art
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That was a very great way of handling that problem.. I feel so bad for penny.. 😢😢
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Awwww.. Me too!
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Awwww me too
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To maintain a friendship and co-worker (especially when an aspect of seniority over another is involved) the relationship will change. To think it won’t is setting both parties up for disappointment. It’s too bad this didn’t get established sooner. It’s evident in their recent interaction (that turned to anger, mistrust, and accusations) that the expectation of the ‘friendship’ is outweighing the expectation of a ‘professional relationship’ on the friends end. Penny should maintain a professional composure next time (I’m sure she has learned a lot from the most recent incident) and realize the friendship may be unsalvageable at this time.
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I’m sure Penny would find your advice very useful. I agree this is a lesson learnt for her but it’s painful indeed. Thanks for sharing your thoughts. Do visit often!
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Very rational advice Kally and a true friend would not bully and boundary trounce another. ” A friend comes into our life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.” Someone said these wise words!
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Definitely Wise words! Appreciative for sharing these words with us here.
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You know I’m certainly out of my league here, but first to quote: Just end of last year, she joined my company and was placed under my care. I am in the Human Resources department and in charge of recruiting and she is reporting under one of my manager as a recruiter.” Would it not have been prudent to have notified someone in the company right from the start that Devi had been a close friend? That there might possibly be a conflict of interest? I don’t know … but from my own personal observations, friends working for friends does not usually work out very well. Sometimes (oftentimes?) there is very obvious favoritism shown; other times, situations like the one described above; still other times, the friend in charge “nips problem(s) in the bud,” but in doing so forever loses a friend. Messy situation for sure!
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You are never out of my league here 😉
I do agree that all this could have been avoided if it was disclose there are a conflict of interest with them working so close and in the same department but often companies only requests for spouses or partners to disclose and not good friends. Still Penny could have taken precaution beforehand, I guess she trusted her friend too much.
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I agree! I know in most work places family members can’t be supervised by their own family. It happened to me at the call center and I hated it because my cousin would have all morning schedule and I had to pick night schedules or mid schedules. I understand now that it is a conflict of interest. The rule should also apply to close friends or people who knew each other before working together.
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This work situation is intense, for the purpose of remaining anonymous, I hope those are not Penny and Devi’s actual names. Good advice otherwise and best of luck to Penny.
http://laceandpearlsblog.com
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Definitely not their actual name. All those who wrote to me have full confidence that all matters will be treated with privacy and confidentiality because I valued my privacy dearly as well. 🙂 All references to their location, company and personal details have been edit out to allow them to remain anonymous.
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That’s perfect. Thanks for clarifying.
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You’re most welcome!! So happy to see you dropping in on MiddleMe!! And I’m so glad you have move on to professional stages of blogging!! Kudos to you!
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Aww, thanks Kally you’re so sweet! Kudos to you too. Your site is really taking off and adding value to many people! 👍😃
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Sounds like very sound advice, Kally. For a young whipper-snapper, you’re alright!
Bill
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Haha!! Thanks for the compliments, my dear. I’m definitely not young anymore!!
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She’s a pathological narcissist and the mask has dropped.
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Happy saturday my friend.
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Have a wonderful weekend, buddy!!
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💚
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hello kally , wonderful weekend and wonderful article .. greetings from Turkey !!!
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Have an amazing weekend too, with love from a traveler in China. Lol! I’ll be home soon.
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Nice post!
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Thanks a lot for your comments!!!
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Thx so much for your cmts and likes!
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Have a great Sunday!!
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Wise words! Nice to have made your expertise available in this forum. Thanks!
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Thanks my dear! Your words made me smile today!! Drop by often to read more!! 🙂
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Happy Sunday.
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♥️♥️♥️have a wonderful Sunday♥️♥️♥️
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💚
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Hey my friend.
Would you like to write an article for my website. An inspirational one .
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Hey Sourav, why not drop me an email at kally@MiddleMe.net for more discussion? 🙂
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Sure 🙂
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Kally just added you to my list! Congratulations! Xxoo ER
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Thank you!!! So very honoured 🙂
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Fire her ass. If by now she doesn’t realise she her attitude issues, fire her ass and still be her friend, she will probably turn you down, but don’t give up, perhaps one day she will get it. What kind of friend wouldn’t tell the other the hard truth when needed? You doing the right thing. Fire her ass now.
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Thanks Mary for the suggestion! Penny has not update me on her status yet but if she do, I’ll update you all here. 🙂
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Cool. Well-done. Keep up the great work.
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Excellent advice. Working with old friends can be a mess.
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Oh yes, it does create a headache sometimes. Thanks for dropping in!!
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Great advice Kally…… She needs to end that manipulative friendship.
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Oh yes, she does. I’m guessing she is in a happier place without her friend.
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Excellent advice Kally. I think I do not like a friend who behaves like Devi. If I were in her place I would be the best support for my friend in her higher position so that she may succeed more. After all, the success of a good friend is your success also. What is friendship for if we cannot support our friends? It is unfair for her to try to push her friend to bend the rules to favor her. In short, she is trying to spoil her work. She definitely is secretly jealous of her friend and would like to pull her down without appearing to do so. This friend cannot be trusted; and this friendship to me has outlived its usefulness.
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Thanks a lot, Ngobesing!! With your advice and the rest of the advices here, I believe she will know what her next step is and how she should talk to Devi.
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That will be good.
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I second the motion, Excellent advice. Now, I am sending you the gift at kally@middleme.net. Plz let me know if you got it. 🙂
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I’ve got it!! Thank you!! Now I can’t wait to get home to download it! Thank you for the early Christmas gift.
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You are welcome. My blessing. Remember I am open for your unbiased opinion. I’ll be Thankful & glad to correct anything to improve.
Actually though that Amazon call it a gift, I have to admit is that it is not quite a gift, rather is an exchange of blessings. I was blessed to write it & you will be blessed to read it.
And in the boot, you’ll give me the extra blessing of your opinion. All for the honor of our Father in the heavens that has invested the power of love from on high to both of us! Ha Ha HalleluYan! 🙂
His love in my heart for you!
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