It’s been a long time since I had my last funny article about different jobs. Today is April’s Fool and I thought “Why not get a laughter or a giggle from everyone?”
Enjoy yourself and I hope I bring at least a smile on your face this midweek!
Happy April Fools!
Several cannibals were recently hired by a health insurance agency. “You are all part of our team now,” said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. “You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don’t eat any of the other employees.”
The cannibals promised.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, “You’re all working very hard, and I’m satisfied with you. However, one of our CSR’s has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?”
The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, “Which one of you idiots ate the CSR?”
A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, “You fool! For four weeks we’ve been eating the Agents and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the Customer Service Representative!”
An astronaut in space was asked by a reporter, “How do you feel?”
“How would you feel,” the astronout replied, “if you were stuck here, on top of 20,000 parts each one supplied by the lowest bidder?”
Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?”
Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”
So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled.
So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.” “Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”
The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”
A woman was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome.
She mentioned the trip to the beautician who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking Delta,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“Delta?” exclaimed the beautician. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.” “That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is slow and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.” “That’s rich,” laughed the beautician. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the woman again came in for her regular haircut. The beautician asked her about her trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Delta’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the beautician, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the beautician. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the terrible haircut?
There’s a bus driver and he’s driven through town picking up kids he picks up this one kid and the bus driver watched the kid get sit down and everything and the kid started tapping his feet and wiggling his hands just kind of doing jazz hands.
And the bus driver asks the kid what he was doing he says “what are you doing with your hands and feet”
The boy says “got the rhythm got he beat got the rhythm in my feet” The bus driver says “oh okay” so he goes to the next stop and he picked up another kid and he starts tapping his feet and wiggling his hands
And the bus driver asked the kid what he was doing and he says “got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in my feet”
The bus driver says “okay” and so he went to the very last stop and he picks up the last kid and that kid sat down and he does the same thing he taps his feet and wiggles his hands
And the bus driver says “let me guess got the rhythm got the beat got the rhythm in your feet”
The kid says “nope, got a booger on my finger and I can’t get it off!”
A lawyer’s dog, runs around town unleashed, heads for a butcher shop and steals a roast.
An angry butcher goes to the lawyer’s office and politely asks, “If a dog running unleashed steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog’s owner?”
The lawyer smiles and answers, “Absolutely.” “
Then you owe me $8.50. Your dog was unleashed and stole a roast from me today.”
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $8.50. The butcher, having a feeling of satisfaction, leaves.
Three days later, the butcher finds a bill from the lawyer: $100 due for a consultation.
My wife rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items. She headed for the express line where the cashier was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.
“Excuse me,” she said, “I’m in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?”
The cashier turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, “Not bad.”
Winters are fierce in Minnesota where he lives, so the owner of a construction project felt he was doing a good deed when he bought earmuffs for his foreman.
Noticing, however, that the foreman wasn’t wearing the earmuffs even on the bitterest day, the project manager asked, “Didn’t you like the muffs?”
The Foreman said, “They’re a thing of beauty.”
“Why don’t you wear them?” The Project Manager said.
The Foreman explained, “I was wearing them the first day, and somebody offered to buy me lunch, but I didn’t hear him! Never again, never again!”
A young Dentist had just started his own Clinic.
He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the front office.
Wishing to appear the “busy dentist”, the gentleman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had to give an appointment.
Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, “Can I help you?”
The man said, “Yeah, I’ve come to activate the phone”
At a private high school somewhere in the Midwest, a young girl created an uproar when she made an impression on the bathroom mirror of her lips in bright red lipstick.
The principal, a bright, well-educated woman with more than 25 years of experience in public school administration, was outraged.
She immediately addressed the students over the school intercom: “It has come to my attention that someone has been leaving an impression of their lips on the mirror in the second-floor girl’s bathroom with her lipstick. This behavior is considered vandalism and will not be tolerated. I hope that whoever is responsible for this will not do it again and will apologize for her inconsiderate actions. And I will warn you all that if this incident is repeated, all guilty parties will be suspended for a period of one week. I trust I won’t have to address this problem again.”
Naturally, the principal’s threat had precisely the opposite effect.
Despite the teacher’s best efforts, an epidemic of lipstick imprints galloped through the girl’s bathrooms. In desperation, the principal listened to an idea from the school janitor and allowed him to try it.
The janitor gathered together about five junior and senior girls who were the unofficial leaders of their classes and led them into one of the bathrooms with a bucket and a washrag in his hands.
“I wanted to show you girls just how difficult it is to wash this lipstick off the mirrors,” he told them.
The girls rolled their eyes, folded their arms, and otherwise signaled their utter indifference.
The janitor then proceeded into one of the stalls, dipped his washrag in the toilet, and swirled it around in the water. He went over to the lipstick on the mirror and wiped it off with the toilet water soaked rag.
Wide-eyed horror replaced the expressions of boredom as the janitor finished wiping down the mirrors.
The lipstick problem ended almost immediately.
You may have missed out the last joke post I did in 2018, here it is: Jokes About Different Occupations
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