I am a 35 years old guy who specialized in civil lawsuits. I am very successful at what I do and I have been doing it for most of my life. So much so I am able to put four of my kids through private school, my wife hasn’t worked for the past ten years and we have a beautiful three stories home with an indoor swimming pool and landscaped garden at one of the sought-after prime locations. We have a live-in housekeeper and a nanny, a weekly gardener and his assistant.
The problem is I am miserable. I totally hate my job. I used to be able to lie to myself this lawyer thing is something I can deal with, it’s all about the money or I can save and retire soon. I’m heavily in debt with the mortgage from the house and the 3 cars we owned. It will take me another 10 years to clear up everything even as successful as I am now. And I no longer can lie to myself that I am happy, I am loving my job.
Some days, I just sit in my car outside my office building, dreading the moment I have to walk in and sit in my office. At times, I will lie to my partners and made up some excuses like someone in the family is sick so I can skip work and go to the seaside or even just to roam around the malls. Some days are just harder than others and I’ll feel so frustrated that I am bursting at seams. All these feelings without the knowledge of my family. They’ll go crazy if they know I desperately want to quit my job. I think my wife will leave me.
I looked up at forums and google my condition, they said I have the classic symptoms of mid-life crisis but I don’t believe this is it. I have never liked the law. I took up law because my family have always been in the business. My grandfather is a retired judge and my dad is a well-known legislator. It is just simpler to follow their footsteps into law school. My dad won’t have it otherwise anyway. He stopped speaking to my sister when she quit law school midway and started her own fashion line. That was 10 years ago and they still haven’t spoken to each other even at family events.
Yes, my father has high hopes for his children but because of his expectations, I was stifled into studying law. Thankfully, I seem to have a knack for it and managed to sail through both my degree and my career. From one high profile case to another even higher profile case, I managed to win them all but I know deep inside me, I’m not satisfied with what I am doing. Maybe because I know I don’t have a heart in law, I made it up by perseverance and diligence that made me a partner of my current firm within five years.
So what does my inner voice say? If I can have my way, I’ll be a writer. I am always fascinated by famous authors like Charles Dickens and Mark Twain when I was young. My mother used to say that I am a dreamer and that I can imagine a whole world of adventures, so vividly that it will come alive with my words. I used to dream up of fantasy stories to entertain my mother until she passes on and there’s nobody who wants to hear a little boy’s made up stories anymore. I secretly admire JK Rowling, Sidney Sheldon and Jeffery Archer for their determination to complete a series of books whereas my dream is to write only one.
It’ll never come true. Maybe when I retired in 30 years time when my kids have all graduated from their expensive overseas college and when I don’t really give a damn if my wife leaves me. Maybe I can sell off the house and 3 cars, go and live somewhere in the countryside, quiet, quaint and peaceful. I don’t give a damn if my kids succeed in their lives. I have a controlling father that I allowed to destroy mine, I’m not going to be the one destroying theirs. I know he is disappointed that my children have plenty of other interests and none of them is law. The closest he gets is my youngest son who wants to be a police officer when he grows up. I’m not too worried, he is just 9 years old.
From today until the day I retired or drop dead, I really hate my job. But I can’t up and leave without making my family upset. They are accustomed to the lifestyle I gave them, I don’t want to upset that. My grandfather is currently bedridden but of sound mind, I don’t want to upset him either. The only light at the end of the tunnel I see is that I ride through my entire life as a lie and hopefully, one day I will be able to see the book I have written on the bookshelf in a bookstore.
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