Let’s start Monday with laughter and joy. Today, I’m going to spread the smiles in your office by hunting down the best occupation jokes around the internet.

So come on, say ‘Haha’ in the comments below if you love at least one of them.

Best Salesman Ever

A man walks into an insurance office and asks for a job.

“Sorry, we don’t need anyone…” they replied.
“You can’t afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone anything anytime!”

“Well, we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, then you have a job.”

He was gone about two hours and returned and handed them two checks, one for $25,000 and another for $50,000.

“How in the world did you do that?” they asked.
“I told you I’m the worldes best salesman, I can sell anyone anything, anytime!”

“Did you get a urine sample?” they asked him.
“What’s that?” he asked.
“Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000 the company requires a urine sample. Now take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.”

He was gone about 8 hours and the office was about to close, when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine and sets them on the desk and says, “Here’s Mr. Jone’s and this one is Mrs. Johnson’s.”

“That’s good,” they said, “but what’s in those two buckets?”

“Well, I passed by the school house and they were having a state teachers convention –
so I stopped and sold them a group policy!”

 

A Great Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.

“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”

“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “Whats the bad news?”

“The gentleman was your doctor.”

 

The Accountant

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. “Doctor, I just can’t get to sleep at night.”

“Have you tried counting sheep?”

“That’s the problem – I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it.”

 

Banker

A man walks into a New York City bank and says he wants to borrow $2,000 for three weeks. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says “I’ve got a Rolls Royce — keep it until the loan is paid off — here are the keys.” The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank’s underground parking for safe keeping, and gives the man $2,000.

Three weeks later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $2,000 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, “Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two thousand dollars?”

The man answers, “I had to go to Europe for three weeks, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?”

 

CEO

A man goes into a local pet shop to buy a cat. The shop owner points to three identical-looking cats in a basket and says, “The cat on the left costs $400.” The man asks “Why does the cat cost so much?”. The owner says “Well, that cat knows how to do market research.”

Then man then asks about the cat in the middle, to be told that this cat costs $800 because she can do everything the other cat can do plus this cat knows how to write a proposal that will win any business unlimited financial funds.

Naturally, the increasingly startled the man asks about the third cat on the right, to be told that it costs $2,000. Needless to say, this begs the question, the man asks, “What can that cat can do?” To which the shop owner replies, “Well, to be honest, I’ve never seen her do a darn thing, but the other two call her Chief Executive Officer.”

 

Photographer

Photographers are violent people. First, they frame you, then they shoot you and
at the end, they hang you on the wall.

 

Engineer

Bill Gates ends up in purgatory in a conference room with St. Peter and Satan. They tell Bill his inventions have done great amounts of good and harm, and they can’t decide where he belongs. So they are going to let him choose after he gets tours of heaven and hell.

St. Peter takes him up to heaven. Bill thinks it’s nice, but the puffy white clouds and harp music will get pretty boring after a while.
Next, Satan takes him for a tour of hell. To Bill’s surprise he is on a white coral beach with turquoise water.

Back in purgatory, they ask Bill for his decision. He said heaven would frankly become boring, so his choice is hell.

Poof! Bill is in hell. The superhot air is full of sulfur and agonized screams. Satan is prodding him along with a red-hot pitchfork!

Bill is shocked and asks “What happened?”

Satan says with a loud laugh …”Oh, that was the demo version!”

 

Retail 

A retailer was dismayed when a competitor selling the same type of product opened next-door to him, displaying a large sign proclaiming “Best Deals”.

Not long after he was horrified to find yet another competitor move in next-door, on the other side if his store. Its large sign was even more disturbing- “Lowest Prices”.

After his initial panic, and concern that he would be driven out of business, he looked for a way to turn the situation to his marketing advantage. Finally, an idea came to him. Next day, he proudly unveiled a new and huge sign over his front door.

It read, Main Entrance.

 

Marketing

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You go up to her and say, “Hi, I’m great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Direct Marketing.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You give your friend a buck. She goes up and says “Hi, my friend over there is great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Advertising.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You somehow get her mobile number. You call and chat her up a while and then say “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Tele-Marketing.

You go to a party and see an attractive girl across the room. You recognize her. You walk up to her, refresh her memory and get her to laugh and giggle and then suggest, “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Customer Relationship Management.

You go to a party and you see an attractive girl across the room. You stand straight, you talk soft and smooth, you open the door for the ladies, you smile like a dream, you set an aura around you playing the Mr. Gentleman and then you move up to the girl and say, “Hi, I am great in bed, how about it?”
That’s Hard Selling.

You go to a party, you see an attractive girl across the room. SHE COMES OVER and says, “Hi, I hear you’re great in bed, how about it?”
Now THAT is the power of Branding.

 

Mechanic

A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop. The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike.

The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc can I ask you a question?”

The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix’em, put ’em back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks when you and I are doing basically the same work?

The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over, whispering to the mechanic…..”Try doing it with the engine running!”

 

Manager

The manager of a large corporation got a heart attack, and the doctor told him to go for several weeks to a farm to relax. The guy went to a farm, and after a couple of days he was very bored, so he asked the farmer to give him some job to do.

The farmer told him to clean the shit of the cows. The farmer thought that to somebody coming from the city, working the whole life sitting in an office, it will take over a week to finish the job, but to his surprise, the manager finished the job in less than one day.

The next day the farmer gave the manager a more difficult job: to cut the heads of 500 chickens. The farmer was sure that the manager will not be able to do the job, but at the end of the day, the job was done.

The next morning, as most of the jobs in the farm were done, the farmer asked the manager to divide a bag of potatoes into two boxes: one box with small potatoes, and one box with big potatoes.

At the end of the day, the farmer saw that the manager was sitting in front of the potatoes bag, but the two boxes were empty. The farmer asked the manager: “How is that you made such difficult jobs during the first days, and now you cannot do this simple job?”

The manager answered: “Listen, all my life I’m cutting heads and dealing with shit, but now you ask me to make decisions.”

 

Nurse

A doctor is going round the ward with a nurse and they come to the first bed where the chap is laying half dead.
“Did you give this man two tablets every eight hours?” asks the doctor.
“Oh, no,” replies the nurse, “I gave him eight tablets every two hours!”

At the next bed, the next patient also appears half dead.
“Nurse, did you give this man one tablet every twelve hours?”
“Oops, I gave him twelve tablets every one hour,” replies the nurse.

Unfortunately, at the next bed, the patient is well and truly deceased, not an ounce of life. “Nurse,” asks the doctor, “did you prick his boil?”
“OH, MY GOODNESS!” replies the nurse.

 

Pilot

And, after landing: “Thank you for flying Alpha Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride.”

 

Tour Guide

A group of foreigners is touring Ireland. One of the women in the group is a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining: “The bus seats are uncomfortable, food is terrible, too hot, too cold, accommodation is dreadful…”

One day, the group arrives at the site of the famous Blarney Stone. “Good luck will be followin’ ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone,” their guide says. “Unfortunately, it’s being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow.”

“We can’t be here tomorrow,” the nasty woman shouts. “We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can’t kiss the stupid stone.”

“Well now,” the guide says, “it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you’ll have the same good fortune.”

“And I suppose you’ve kissed the stone?” the woman scoffs.

“No, ma’am,” the frustrated guide responds. “But I have sat on it.”

 

Teacher

If there are any idiots in the room, will they please stand up” said the sarcastic teacher. After a long silence, one freshman rose to his feet.

“Now then mister, why do you consider yourself an idiot?” enquired the teacher with a sneer.

“Well, actually I don’t,” said the student, “but I hate to see you standing up there all by yourself.”

 

Do you know any occupation jokes? Please do share them at the comments below. And remember… if any jokes get you smiling, say Haha in the comments!

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